People with the defense system of narcissism are usually in relationship with those who have a lot of self-hate. It is an interlocking emotional defense system* that both sides of the equation are holding in place. Below are excerpts of comments I said to two clients in NLP TimeLine sessions:

To a female client who has a lot of self-hatred and is in a relationship with a man who has the defense system of narcissism:

“In relationships with a narcissist, he’s the only one who exists, from his point-of-view. That’s what he’s trying to create. He tells you whether you’re valuable or not. He’s the one who determines what reality is. From his point-of-view it’s all about him. You really don’t matter, except to serve him and puff him up, while he’s living on your substance, but never acknowledging it. For a person like you who believes she doesn’t exist, he is a perfect partner, at least temporarily. He wants you not to exist. Otherwise if you exist, then he ceases to be the center of attention. And then you would have needs and demands on him. It means he has to actually be there, and he is invested in not being there.”

The solution for a person with self-hatred generally has to do with clearing limiting decisions** having to do with self-esteem, such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not lovable,” and “I’m not wanted.”

To a male client who has the defense system of narcissism:

(This excerpt came up over the fact that he has a lot of trouble using a computer): “Narcissism is a form of manipulating people in a fantasy world, instead of dealing with the real world. A lot of narcissists can function extremely well, but it’s on their own terms. You’re so good at manipulating other people, you can set things up the way you want them to be, but you can’t do that with a computer. You can’t manipulate a computer. You can either conform to exactly what it requires, or you can’t succeed with it.”

“Narcissism is a defense system against the powerless feeling of really giving yourself to someone. Narcissism is all about having the control, and never allowing yourself to be taken over by the effect of the other person. In this defense system, you’re always the one causing the effect, never being at effect of.

It is central to the defense system of narcissism to keep the control in a love situation. A narcissist doesn’t need anybody. Other people always need him. He’s never the one who feels powerless. Other people feel powerless and he has all of the control. And that’s the way he has to keep it.”


Like any other kind of emotional defense system*, narcissism is held in place by limiting decisions** which can be cleared in NLP TimeLine sessions. Those who tend to get involved with narcissists do so because of limiting decisions** they have made. These can be cleared as well.

*An emotional defense system is what people create to compensate for, and block awareness of, limiting decisions. They can be used to manipulate people around you to prevent them from activating the limiting decision in you. Emotional defense systems create an unreal, limited world that blocks or cushions you from present moment experience, where you would find out the truth about your limiting decisions.

**Limiting decisions: An NLP term used in NLP TimeLine counseling sessions to mean unconscious decisions, made in early childhood, that are some form of that life doesn’t work and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am powerless,” “bad,” “unlovable;” or “People can’t be trusted.” Limiting decisions are never true. NLP TimeLine counseling sessions facilitate clearing limiting decisions, in order to release the negative patterns in your life that are caused by them. For more information on NLP sessions and on limiting decisions, click here.

I invite you to leave any questions or comments in the below comments field.

Author’s Bio: Jane Ilene Cohen is an Intuitive & Transformational NLP Counselor and an NLP & TimeLine Master Practitioner, with a private practice in San Diego North County (Encinitas). She does individual counseling (includes the NLP TimeLine Process and hypnosis), works with couples and families, and facilitates groups and workshops. She is also the Founder of the “Life is Designed to Work” thought system.

For more about Jane’s counseling services, go to: . For a free phone consultation to decide if this is right for you, call Jane at (760) 753-0733.

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